Fused Nation

You know that completely normal thing that you’ve been doing on a professional business level for years?  Well, you’ve been doing it wrong.  Fortunately for you, I have a fairly short and easy to read blog post that lists a number of reasons why you should be doing it differently – and conveniently, most of the reasons relate to the new product or services I’m selling, a new process I’ve developed to try and look cool, or possibly refer to popular culture in some unique, but probably tenuous manner.

1.  “Something” is like fish

You never see fish cry, do you?  Why do you think that is?  A valuable lesson in both business and in life for us all, I think you’ll agree.

 

2.  A famous philosopher once said…

“A man must tread carefully for he knows not who’s footsteps he follows and whose shall follow his” – powerful words that remind us that whatever we do – always cover our tracks!  You never know who will be following you – they might have a knife or a gun or a bazooka or a tank or a rabid dog!  And I don’t know why a rabid dog is worse than a tank, but it is.  It’s almost like a zombie dog and zombies are scary.  Although given the choice, I’d rather have a tank in a fight than a zombie.  Strangely though, fighting a zombie IN a tank would be the worst possible scenario.  The bazooka would be all but useless and I’d be concerned that firing the gun would cause some kind of ricochet.

 

3.  Nurses don’t obsess about links, so why do you?

If Florence Nightingale doesn’t give a second thought about links as she goes about her business, why do you?  Argument.  Won.

 

4.   Something about ethics

…

 

5.   Insert current jargon reference

“Something” will help protect you against (delete as appropriate) – negative SEO, bad neighbourhoods, link networks, black hat SEOs, grey hat SEOs, asshat SEOs, scraper sites, MFA sites, link removal requests, unnatural link profiles, Google bowling, Google bombing, Google Panda, Google Penguin, Google Koala, Google Bearded Dragon, Google Mongoose, Google Zombies, Matt Cutts, Matt’s cat, Matt’s Youtube channel and Pinterest Meme Spamification (PMS…*snigger* – I think we should adopt this phrase!).

 

6.  Time to name drop

We don’t really believe that linking out to “authority” sites has any significant impact on the success of the article, but we do it anyway.  So this is the point where you write a little bit about the links you bought on SEL , the guest post you wrote on SEL or your time spent pitching your company, speaking at a conference.

 

7.  Unzip, let it hang out and compare it to others

Remember that time you did that thing for so many years that you became an expert?  Great!  This is a great opportunity for you to reinforce your credentials, because even though you are targeting this article at your contemporaries, you really hope that you’ll make such a good impression that they’ll send lots of business your way.  Because marketing to your competitors is much more sensible than marketing to your customers.  Hey, it’s fine – you’re an SEO – it’s all about being number 1, right?

Make sure your blog post has this statement somewhere:  “I wouldn’t use a SEO service that doesn’t do…” – PPC, social media, link building, marketing, coding, design, telemarketing, DIY, World of Warcraft, knitting, juggling.  Be sure to pick the area that you are strongest in – that way people will think that this is important see you as the best.  Even though you’ve probably written an article with so much jargon that only other SEOs will read it.  And know.  They’ll know.

 

8.  Bonus tip!!

If you are guest posting on another site, then absolutely DO keyword link to your own niche product or service in an article centred around that niche product or service.  There’s no way that anyone – SEOs, real people or Google – will ever construe that is being self-serving.  Credibility +1.  Sure you say, Google Penguin taught us that lesson, right?  Yeh, that’s new and now you know…

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This blog post template is available for sale at the low, low price of £500 per use.  Solve all of your SEO blogging needs in one easy step by purchasing this template reusing it for every fucking blog post you ever fucking do.  Ever.

As an added bonus, read my article on SEO agency website copywriting sins.

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